i believe that in death everything becomes clear and
makes sense and at times when i am really thinking to                  
     myself and things become really clear,                        like why everything is
a certain way, good bad humannaturewhathaveyou,

i become afraid                                      
that this means that if i take it any further i wont be able to stay alive
in this universe         and when faced the question:

 i am not ready to take that jump yet.                 

and so i open my eyes.                                             
and here i am in my bedroom on a cushy gushy brown lump of fabric      
and i find that I am wearing fabric too                      
and familiar music plays on a machine to remind me that i am supposed to stay here a
while and do this thing         and so i fill my lungs with air
and i breathe                                     
and i blink                                        
and i tell myself                                  
"you should get up and write this down"

       but i have to tell myself three times before she does it.